Oh Braxton...

Every mom that I talk to will say the same thing, that "time flies by" when you have a child and it is so true. Looking back, it does kind of seem like forever ago that I became a parent but living in the moment, each year, seems to speed by. It's so bittersweet to think of my "baby" being three. In the years that he's been here so much good has happened and I'm so grateful for him.

Braxton is what changed me and I will never forget that. I have always wanted to be a mom, it was something I thought about even when I was a little girl. Remembering then, I always said I wanted to have two kids, and only two kids, and I wanted both of them to have a life better than I had. I didn't have a terrible childhood but there were struggles. My dad passed away when I was just going into first grade, my mom all of a sudden became a single mother, and with that my life changed drastically. We moved from California to Tennessee to be with her side of the family and I watched her, at age 35, go back to school to get a degree that would make our lives better. Of course I was really young but I always have been a sentimental person and even then I knew what my mom was doing for us and I loved her so much for it. Sometimes it was rough and I watched my mom cry at times because she was disappointed that she couldn't give me everything that I wanted. I will never forget the time that I found out the Easter Bunny wasn't "real." That Easter my mom just couldn't afford an Easter basket for me…every year she made beautiful baskets for me and I would always get a new stuffed bunny to add to my collection. The day before she was so sad, and she broke down and told me, with tears, that she was the Easter Bunny and then explained the situation. She still tells me about how I just hugged her and said it was okay, not to worry about me…somehow she made me believe that Santa was still real though, talk about a gullible child haha. My mom and I have not always seen eye to eye but she's still my mom and I love her with everything I have. She succeeded in graduating college, she now has her Bachelor's degree, and she's such a hardworking woman. It showed me that no matter what, you do what you have to do for your children.

When Brian and I were dating I was living in Florida. We talked about kids and we both wanted them, Braxton just came a little earlier than planned. When I found out I was pregnant I was surprised, thanks to being on birth control, but I was excited to tell Brian. Unfortunately I couldn't immediately tell him because he was on a flight home from Australia…he had just spent 2-3 weeks in Japan, New Zealand, and Australia. I decided to just take a picture of my pregnancy test and email it to him so that's how he found out. Surprise? Brian and I were both so happy. During my pregnancy he was gone quite a bit doing one last big tour so I stayed with my mom in Florida. The plan was as soon as the tour was done, I would be moving to New York because that's where Brian was from. I was excited to move and start over because at that time in my life I was just being a typical 21 year old girl and I wanted a fresh start. I was 28 weeks pregnant when we made the 1,300 mile drive with my dog Gizmo in the back. It was hard saying bye to everything I knew but I also knew that I needed it. I had an uneventful pregnancy, besides gaining 70 lbs…ugh, but when the time came to have him I was so ready. I was induced at 41 weeks and after 2 days of labor with no pain medication or epidural, Braxton Maddox was born on December 29, 2010 at 8:50 am.

Braxton has been an adventure since the day he was born…that's the best way to put it. It was HARD! I knew that having a newborn would be difficult and that I would lose sleep but I didn't realize just how much. He was colicky, he had terrible reflux, and I could never put him down. Breastfeeding was harder than I imagined, partially because of the reflux, and I also had a little bit of PPD. I didn't want to admit it then but now I know that it's okay, and normal. Luckily Brian and I parented pretty perfectly together. I have been so lucky to have a partner who actually enjoys being a parent and who loves me, even when I'm a grumpy mess. I think because he's such a good dad I want to be a good mom as well. Like he has no interest in going out, he would rather stay home with us, and he puts us first before anything so I always want to do the same. In our three years as parents we have had some great times but nothing has been "easy." Watching Braxton grow up has been surreal. He is SUCH a boy…and he's a boy that absolutely loves his dad. He goes crazy for Brian and I have to admit, sometimes I get jealous! Whenever he wants snuggles from me though I cherish them. He's such a sweet little boy and I'm grateful for that.

Because of Braxton I have grown in so many ways. I find happiness in the little things and my world does revolve around him. He has been the busiest kid for as long as I can remember and he's always on the go. Sometimes I wish he would just calm down and just hang out but then I see the look of excitement on his face when he's exploring and it's just too cute. I'm pretty sure he can't be tamed. Right now we're at a point where it's hard though. Having a speech delay in a toddler/pre-schooler is tough. To be honest it down right sucks. I wrote a blog post about it before and I can share it again on here coming up. Right now we're at a point where a few things are in the process of happening and all I want is for it to be done with and he just starts talking like no big deal. Seeing your kid frustrated can make you frustrated too. If only it was easy…

I want him to have every opportunity possible. I want him to be healthy, happy, smart, caring, respectful…I want him to know that I will always be there for him and that I love him so much. I never want to see him worried about things out of his control, like how I felt sometimes when I was younger. I don't want him to feel like he can't be open about his feelings, and on that note, I want him to know that it is okay to have feelings! I will never tell him to suck it up, or to "be a man." He's not going to be forced to grow up too soon but I will try my hardest not to baby him completely. That's the fine line of motherhood, what's too much?